I falter again

Damn. I'm not going to lie.

There's a burning sense of jealousy in me now. I knew whatever I said about numbing myself wouldn't hold true for long. Clearly, the problem's always with me, but I don't know what exactly.

Am I too weird? Too annoying? Appear as though I don't give a damn? Too stubborn? Fail at communicating? Too complicated? Too emotional? Too straightforward? Too critical? Cynical? Indecisive? Slow? Impatient? Don't give others a sense of security? Don't trust in others? Fail at showing my concern? Self-absorbed? Always in my own world? Give others an uncomfortable feeling?

Sometimes I think I can list out my flaws too well. At other times, I feel as though I don't know myself enough to improve on myself. The aforementioned ones are the 'flaws' I know I have, but I always thought there might be someone on earth that would accept me for all those. Fat hope, there isn't a chance till I improve myself in a way or another.

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I know I'm not in the worst position, and there are plenty of people who have more rights to hate life. But I still hate it. I should slap myself for not being easily satisfied... but am I really asking for too much?

Honestly, am I? I really do feel so much more alone compared to everybody else, even though I may be able to joke around and talk to strangers so easily. I may appear to have loads of people to wave to in school or have small talks with. If you think I can be satisfied with those, I'll honestly tell you I never did.

Yes, I'm glad, really glad, to have the few who can tolerate me even if there's very few. I thank them for being able to tolerate me, laugh with me (and at me), for the joy and support.

But thinking about the ones I've lost (which amounts to more than the ones I have) makes me wonder. Alot.